When I was in high school, I couldn't buy a pair of shoes until I looked at every single shoe in every single store that sold shoes in the entire mall.

Why?

I was crazed by the thought that I would find a better pair of shoes at another store, or the same pair of shoes at a better price someplace else.

This, of course, made me a terrible shoe shopping partner as I would be horrified if one of my friends walked in a shoe store and bought the first pair of shoes she liked. "Don't you want to look in any other stores?" I'd demand. She would shake her head and reply "Nope, I'm getting these." To which I'd ask incredulously "What if you see that shoe somewhere else for cheaper?" She'd casually answer, "I'll live. Besides, what if I don't and these shoes are gone?" I would eventually relent and allow her to spend her own money on what ever she wanted, but I would secretly think she was nuts.

Older and wiser, I realize that saving a few bucks is not worth walking around the mall for an entire day, nor driving all over the city trying to find a better deal. I also realize how much this "What if I find something better?" mentality permeates so many other areas in life and keeps too many of us from the love that we want. It almost kept me from the marriage that I desired.

I recently got married and a friend, who is considering marriage himself, told me his biggest reservation against asking his girlfriend to marry him is the question: "What if we don't work out?"

None of us likes failure. No one likes the idea of setting out to do something, telling the whole world what it is you're going to do, planning to be doing that thing, and then failing for the whole world to see. It's embarrassing! And just the thought of suffering that kind of failure and loss can be paralyzing.

Therefore, no one, at least no one who has gotten married in the current "The Divorce Rate is FIFTY PERCENT!" generation, can honestly say that he or she didn't seriously considered the many, many "what ifs" before taking the plunge. "What if it doesn't work out?" "What if we grow apart?" "What if he meets someone else?" "What if I meet someone else?" "What if she gets fat?" "What if our relationship stops being fun?" "What if we can't have kids?" "What if one of us gets diagnosed with a terminal illness?" "What if?, What if?, What if?"

I know I did. ...and yet I still went through with it. Not because I live in a fantasy world where I think that I am invincible to the destructive things that have befallen so many married couples, but because I know I can't live like that. I can't live in a world where the chance of something bad happening keeps me from doing something I really want to do.

Why not?

Because there is always, always the chance that something bad will happen. Heck, every day there is the chance that you will walk out of your front door and be smashed to pieces by a runaway school bus. There is the chance that the "pink slime" you've been consuming disguised as McDonalds hamburgers and McNuggets will severely poison you. There is the chance that the kid who just walked into the gas station behind you is going to hold the place hostage. There is the chance that the cruise ship you just got on will sink and you all will be abandoned by the captain. The possibilities of something bad happening are absolutely limitless!

You can diminish the likelihood that something bad will happen, but that chance will never completely go away.

Besides, deciding to marry someone, isn't deciding there are no "what ifs" anyway. It's deciding that "if the 'What If This Happened' becomes the 'This Is What Happened' then I'm not going to bail on the marriage". That, after all, is what I believe marriage to be. Not just a commitment that I will remain married to this person as long as nothing changes, but a commitment that I will remain married to this person no matter what is different about him or myself.

That's the hard part, it's the downright scary part, but it is the extremely necessary part: the commitment to be dedicated to your marriage, day in and day out. The commitment that, no matter what other options present themselves, divorce will not be one of them. Sure, it's a radical idea and not a commitment you'd make to the average Bozo you meet, but it places you in a state of mind that is beyond the paralyzing "What ifs".

It answers the question: "What if it doesn't work out" with a refreshingly confident, "It will."

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil…Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” –Romans 12:17-21

I've never thought of myself as a vengeful person.

When I saw the news on Facebook that Vanessa Bryant filed for divorce, I was shocked! Not because I think Kobe is faithful (or remotely handsome - but that's beside the point), but because she stayed with him through that whole highly-publicized and humiliating rape accusation that resulted in him publicly admitting he had an affair. If she didn't leave him then (or at least shortly after), I didn't think she ever would. Plus, Vanessa was only eighteen when she married the NBA star, so basically she doesn't know life without him. Unfortunately, we have no reason to doubt TMZ's reports that Vanessa was sick of Kobe's infidelity, so I guess sometimes enough is enough.

I'm truly sad for them though. No matter how rich, how famous, or how whatever you are, it's devastating when you commit your life to someone and things do not work out. It's devastating for them and for their children. Personally, I believe that people don't try hard enough to make their marriages work, but who knows what went on behind closed doors? "Irreconcilable differences" could mean anything. I can at least appreciate the fact that they gave it a chance (Kim K's 72-day sham will always make me appreciate this fact), but I am a happily-ever-after girl and I believe "ever after" means "ever after".

Of course this type of high-profile breakup between a pro-basketball star and a virtual no-name makes people immediately ask about a prenuptial agreement. Apparently, Kobe Bryant didn't have one.

According to TMZ:

"Given that the marriage has lasted more than a decade and the pre-marriage assets are commingled with what was accumulated during the marriage, the assets are distributed based on the community property laws of California -- which means a 50/50 split."

This news predictably caused a firestorm reaction via social media with accusations flying that Vanessa is a "gold-digger" who "didn't play basketball" and doesn't "deserve his money". "Plus", the hysterical tweets add, "she got that 8 million dollar 'apology' ring back in '03".

These are the same sort of conversations that flew around the news of Dwayne Wade's divorce and (though it was before social media's ubiquitous time) Michael Jordan's divorce too. So typical. Your basketball hero double dribbles and thus must turnover his ring and you're mad at the ref. Okay, that was a bad analogy, but seriously...

How does Kobe Bryant's lack of a prenuptial agreement ten years ago make Vanessa Bryant a gold-digger?

And, why in these types of situations where a philandering husband is forced to split his assets with the woman he scorned is the woman always vilified?

Is Kobe Bryant "ignorant" for not having a pre-nup? Or is he ignorant for cheating on his wife?

Looks like Kobe Bryant didn't need a pre-nup to protect himself from her anyway. He needed a pre-nup to protect himself from himself. He is the one who didn't keep his basketball on his home court. An NBA contract is not a license to bed-hop and marrying an NBA star shouldn't mean you have to turn a blind eye. Why is she the one being maligned here? Why should he be able to sweep a child off her feet, marry her, introduce her to a life she would have never caught a glimpse of otherwise (while simultaneously pre-empting any chance she had for building a life for herself), have babies with her, cheat on her (subjecting her to AIDS, herpes, and everything else lurking in the underpants of a high percentage of society) and then leave her high and dry? Is this fair just because he plays basketball? No.

In most situations, I'm not a pre-nup fan. I understand people come into marriages with all types of different assets and debts - this is magnified when one of the people entering the marriage is loaded. However, when you commit your life to someone you commit your life. If you decide you're no longer about that life, then you suffer the consequences - financial or otherwise.  

A pre-nuptial agreement only works as it should when the person who did the dirt is the one who doesn't have the money in the relationship (see: Sandra Bullock and Jesse James). A pre-nuptial agreement is not a get-out-of-marriage free card and shouldn't be treated as such. Besides, it is not as though the person who is perceived as the financial "beneficiary" of the lack of pre-nup leaves the marriage unscathed. It's a tough situation all around.

The saddest thing about this situation is what it reveals about the state of our generation. This is a 29-year-old woman and a 33-year-old man who are the parents of two small children and who are facing a life without each other after ten whole years. And instead of hoping for reconciliation for this broken home all we can ask is "did he have a pre-nup?"

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose." -Jo Courdert

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