“Do not repay anyone evil for evil…Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” –Romans 12:17-21

I've never thought of myself as a vengeful person.

My memory isn't good enough to hold a real grudge. Plus, I know that we are all fighting our own battles and I try to see the other person's side. One of my favorite quotes is: "The hardest thing in life to do is to forgive someone for not being you."

That's so true isn't it?

A lot of times that is what our anger or disappointment boils down to: the expectation that everyone you know will do and say what you would do or say; and when that expectation isn't met, we're livid.

Of course, it's not always that simple. Sometimes we are mad at people for not doing, what we believe, ANY decent human being would do. Some people really are cold-hearted, selfish, and shockingly cruel.

No matter what, we are supposed to forgive them anyway?

Many times forgiveness is easy: Someone accidentally steps on our foot. Someone accidentally throws away the newspaper you weren't done reading. Someone forgets to do something (small) you asked them to do. We wave these things off, barely even deeming the dismissal a "forgiveness".

Then there are times when forgiveness gets a little harder: You overhear someone insulting you. Your friend backs out of plans with you at the last minute, again. The waiter spills a plate of hot pasta on your lap while you're wearing a brand new cream-colored dress.

Then there are times when you feel that no one would blame you if you never forgave the offender. I don't even have to describe these types of offenses because I'm sure you have one thing that automatically comes to mind.

But no matter what, we are supposed to forgive them anyway?

I put a question mark at the end of that statement because that is where I was while I talked my situation over with God. I lived in that question mark for weeks. Possibly months.

Recently, hindsight revealed how wicked a person had been to me in a particular situation and everything negative in my life that had resulted from his wickedness. I noticed him going about his life as though he hadn’t practically destroyed mine. I was completely fed up and began devising ways to pay him back. I had distanced myself, but still, even the thought of this person would send me into a tailspin of fury. I felt a hate that was foreign to me, but relentless. Finally, overwhelmed by my own anger and my desire for revenge, I took the situation to God in prayer.

I think I'm a pretty forgiving person, I told God, but isn't there a limit to how much I am to forgive? And am I even expected to forgive someone who is not sorry? How can I forgive someone who has never acknowledged their offense or the fact that what they did to me was wrong?

Am I un-Christian for wanting revenge?

One of my favorite CS Lewis quotes is "True forgiveness is excusing the inexcusable because God forgave the inexcusable in you." I love that quote because it is so true.

Besides, we can seek revenge, but what does that produce? We can “make a person pay”, but then what does that make us? The high road is a lonely road, but I am convinced that road leads somewhere far beyond our present situation.

It’s hard to see someone who hurt me moving on as though nothing happened, but I have to believe that life does a better job of exacting revenge than I ever could. Am I supposed to wish bad things to happen to someone? Probably not. But the laws of sowing and reaping (or “karma” if you’re into that terminology) are just that: laws. People pay for what they do at one time or another in one way or another. If my role in the situation is a merciful one, then I am the winner. Who knows when I will be the one needing mercy?

Our job isn’t to go through life seeking some sort of justice. We are to forgive and move on.

Of course, I don’t believe that forgiveness means allowing that person to hurt you again. Forgiving is not forgetting and using wisdom in future dealings with the individual who wronged you is not unforgiveness, it’s common sense. I don’t think forgiveness means being silent either. Forgiveness is not being a doormat. Asserting yourself in a situation is important – sometimes people don’t even recognize how they’ve hurt you. Beyond that though, I realized that bitterness and perpetual anger in my heart doesn’t hurt the other person, it only hurts me.

When I am able to acknowledge how a person has hurt me, present that to God, respond to that person in a wise way and move on with my life without wasting time and energy rehearsing a hurt, dwelling in unforgiveness or seeking revenge than I am side-stepping the dark side of life. Instead, I am keeping myself open for good things to happen in spite of the bad. I am leaving room for God to be “God” in my life in general and in that situation in particular.